I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.


Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.


smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4


agenda 4 today:
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin


My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.


If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.


spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability


You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.


“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.