I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first