@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

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@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@chrisanna4real

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

@scootergonscoot

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

@warmyellowlight

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@BrianStack153

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

@matty_up

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

@dshack8

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.