I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.