I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
That’s easy for you to say