I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it鈥檚 explosive but it hasn鈥檛 blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what鈥檚 a lator
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
me and who
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”馃檲
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That鈥檚 it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here鈥檚 your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog鈥檚 name.
Me: Gosh, you鈥檙e right. Sorry.
Cat: I鈥檓 really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead