“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Life cycle of cat
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?