I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Cheers Twitter.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”