I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.