@Naked_Superman

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

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@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

@amishschool

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@SondraDeeMe

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

@WritePlay

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.