@Naked_Superman
@Book_Krazy *Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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@Book_Krazy 
@amishschool Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
@SondraDeeMe [parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
@WritePlay PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@abbycohenwl I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
@krisv_723 Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
@UncleDuke1969 CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
@AlanFelyk “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@WilliamAder We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
@Donna_McCoy Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.