I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.