I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*