I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
You Might Also Like
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?