I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…