I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
You Might Also Like
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Never let them know your next move 😂
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH