@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

You Might Also Like

@mochanya

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

@RidiculousSheri

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@ThisOneSayz

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@Fred_Delicious

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

@PaperWash

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?