I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
wow he looks just like him
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…