I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
just left a huge legacy in there
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf