I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
You Might Also Like
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I know karate and tons of other words.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Love is in the air fryer.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”