I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
much to think about
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15