I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”