I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
“The Perfect Relationship”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
sry
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship