I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.