I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
This is my pinned tweet
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
OKAY DAD
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning