I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
.. do you even science?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.