I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing