I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
is this a warning or an offer?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
why am I working on Labor Day
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.