I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.


Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]


Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.


Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*


Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?


Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please


[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me


me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best