I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?