I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.