@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

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@arunbothra

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@BiscuitFloater

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@onthemauve

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

@dumbbeezie

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

@KentWGraham

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

@RickAaron

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.