Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.