I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Croquettes are not female crocodiles