i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
You Might Also Like
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?