I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself