I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
You Might Also Like
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?