I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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Can. I. Help. You.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Yup!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
welp
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
They’re called werewolves.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms