I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons