“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.