I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese