I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My lighter has 2 options:
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
where the womens at?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*