I think this should do it.
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Dead sexy!!