I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.