I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.