I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food