I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.