@Professor_Ryan

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

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@Torriable

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

@SCbchbum

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@afairiesweetear

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

@TheHyyyype

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

@SadPeruna

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.