The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.