I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.