I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
This has made my week.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves