I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?