@poutinesmoothie Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
@AlbertBrooks I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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@poutinesmoothie 
@PieChord A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
@nickeldoodle WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
@TheCatWhisprer My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
@partlyfunny My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
@funflaps [sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
@lovablelucas When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
@Blarebare Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
@LeahsLounge 1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
@punmagnate INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no