@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

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@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@nickeldoodle

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@partlyfunny

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@Blarebare

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no