I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?


A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.


WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that



My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.


My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.


[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this


Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave


INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no