I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.