I think we should hear other voices.
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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is