Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheToddWilliams

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

@lovejulieacafe

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@PhilJamesson

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

@daemonic3

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

@dumbbeezie

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

@GloriaFallon123

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

@TheHatStore

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe