“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

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[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.


I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.


Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!


They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)


My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”


(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?


I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen


wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe