“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe