i think we should see other cousins
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Siri, fight Alexa.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
…..pretty much.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.