“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You Might Also Like
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
😂😂
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend