I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.


It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.


I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.


I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.


Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car


In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M