I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Note to self: always read the final line
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”