@Stap_Jr

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

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@slimmy_shady

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

@ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@Tmoney68

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@zuza_real

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M