I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.