“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee


I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.



“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”


Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human


Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.


My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.


An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.


[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*


Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down