Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

that colleague who touches your screen

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.